Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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