I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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