I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
