You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
