guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
