I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
