Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
