For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
