I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
