i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
