The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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