I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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