My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
