She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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