dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
