My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize