you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
