Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
