i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
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