i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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