I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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