Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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