I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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