I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
