he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize