My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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