Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
