A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
