i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
