my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
