does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Say something about gay babies.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
