What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
