I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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