Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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