I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
