I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
