somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
