he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is it because I queefed?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
