yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
