Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
be right there i have to get my cape
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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