Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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