I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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