I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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