I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
