wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
