I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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