If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize