I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
