my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
