the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
