I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
