Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
