Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize