The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize