Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I deserve to be covered in dicks
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
