**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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