Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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