Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
