if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
