He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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