i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize